Thanks to Jack for this gem!
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER'S SOUL
"Sometimes when I reflect
back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then
I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for
people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave
~ Henny Youngman
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit
no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"Without question, the greatest invention
in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly
as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE
HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
Remember "I" before
"E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack, to
me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing
of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."